Who I am
One of my favorite authors has always been Ayn Rand. This is one of my saved away messages:
The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours. But to win it requires total dedication and a total break with the world of your past, with the doctrine that man is a sacrificial animal who exists for the pleasure of others. Fight for the value of your person. Fight for the virtue of your pride. Fight for the essence, which is man, for his sovereign rational mind. Fight with the radiant certainty and the absolute rectitude of knowing that yours is the morality of life and yours is the battle for any achievement, any value, any grandeur, any goodness, any joy that has ever existed on this earth.
I've read it about 10 times today, no joke, and every time I have to cringe in disgust.
There's no doubt that I believe in the importance of being yourself and that you need to fight for what you believe in, but at the same time, I don't think it means you have to tell the whole world to fuck off. Nobody knows what life is about. People have struggled for years to find the meaning of life. Hell, some people think the answer is 42. (if the reference is lost on you, blame it on not being into sci fi and see Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) It's easy to live a life where you are the only one who is right, where you can figure out what your goals are and how to achieve them, and you live every day in pursuit of that goal. But what of the quality of that life?
I see so many people in law school, working hard every day to get the good grades, best interviews, top journal spots, moot court positions... the list is endless. But are they happy? No, most are not.
Maybe I'm still naive, maybe I'm being a hopeless romantic, but I don't care. The times in my life where I have felt most alive, most productive, creating the most value and meaning to those around me have been those when I'm open, vulnerable, and sharing a part of myself.
It hurts sometimes to be so real and candid, but it's worth it. It happens in so many ways, from going to a coffee shop and talking for hours to laying at the foot of the Washington monument admiring the sunset to spending a lazy Saturday in bed with someone you love. The happiest moments of my life, I've been human and just felt and expressed myself in ways that I didn't even realize I was capable of doing.
Blah. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I'm tired and emotional and wishing that I had one of my best friends at my side right now.
All I know is that the one desire that will never die in me is the need to share myself with another person completely. First it will be the person I marry, but then I will hopefully have the joy of sharing life with my children and showing them the importance of loving and living and understanding that although human reason is a great asset, human emotion is something that is much more powerful and worth living this life for.
And I have to admit...it would have taken me a much longer time to understand this if it hadn't been for Matt and my family. I'm truly blessed to have people who love me for who I am and that I know will never judge me for my flaws because they understand me well enough to see through it all. Very few people see me bare, but for those who do: thank you for letting me truly live.
The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours. But to win it requires total dedication and a total break with the world of your past, with the doctrine that man is a sacrificial animal who exists for the pleasure of others. Fight for the value of your person. Fight for the virtue of your pride. Fight for the essence, which is man, for his sovereign rational mind. Fight with the radiant certainty and the absolute rectitude of knowing that yours is the morality of life and yours is the battle for any achievement, any value, any grandeur, any goodness, any joy that has ever existed on this earth.
I've read it about 10 times today, no joke, and every time I have to cringe in disgust.
There's no doubt that I believe in the importance of being yourself and that you need to fight for what you believe in, but at the same time, I don't think it means you have to tell the whole world to fuck off. Nobody knows what life is about. People have struggled for years to find the meaning of life. Hell, some people think the answer is 42. (if the reference is lost on you, blame it on not being into sci fi and see Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) It's easy to live a life where you are the only one who is right, where you can figure out what your goals are and how to achieve them, and you live every day in pursuit of that goal. But what of the quality of that life?
I see so many people in law school, working hard every day to get the good grades, best interviews, top journal spots, moot court positions... the list is endless. But are they happy? No, most are not.
Maybe I'm still naive, maybe I'm being a hopeless romantic, but I don't care. The times in my life where I have felt most alive, most productive, creating the most value and meaning to those around me have been those when I'm open, vulnerable, and sharing a part of myself.
It hurts sometimes to be so real and candid, but it's worth it. It happens in so many ways, from going to a coffee shop and talking for hours to laying at the foot of the Washington monument admiring the sunset to spending a lazy Saturday in bed with someone you love. The happiest moments of my life, I've been human and just felt and expressed myself in ways that I didn't even realize I was capable of doing.
Blah. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I'm tired and emotional and wishing that I had one of my best friends at my side right now.
All I know is that the one desire that will never die in me is the need to share myself with another person completely. First it will be the person I marry, but then I will hopefully have the joy of sharing life with my children and showing them the importance of loving and living and understanding that although human reason is a great asset, human emotion is something that is much more powerful and worth living this life for.
And I have to admit...it would have taken me a much longer time to understand this if it hadn't been for Matt and my family. I'm truly blessed to have people who love me for who I am and that I know will never judge me for my flaws because they understand me well enough to see through it all. Very few people see me bare, but for those who do: thank you for letting me truly live.
posted by Chica Kaliente @ 10:55 PM
4 Comments:
At 10/07/2005 10:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
I have to say your points might have been good and all, but you lost me once you mentioned Ayn Rand. Oh how I hate the Fountainhead.
At 10/07/2005 12:09 PM,
Benjamin said…
My problem with Rand was that her argument seemed so largely based on the self, self-reliance, independence, and selfishness.
To be true, they all have their benefits, but in the end we all have to reach out, ask for help, and care about others if we expect the same. I could never get past that.
To put a smile in your face, search for the answer to life the universe and everything on google (as is, no quotes).
At 10/07/2005 2:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
I am here for you, don't forget. And yes, I trully do miss laying at the foot of the washington monument, enjoying the sunset and the nite sky...
Love, Spaz
At 10/08/2005 2:16 PM,
Chica Kaliente said…
I have to say...BenW, that's one of the best comments EVER. :) How ironic is it that the two people whose comments I've enjoyed the most are both named Ben? Hehe.
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