i'm back!

Ok. So I haven't posted in over a month because I think blogging is actually too self-serving. But now that I'm going insane and I can't concentrate on reading the federal rules of evidence anymore, I decided that I would post a little update.

I've been doing absolutely nothing new. I decided this semester that I would actually read all of the assignments for my classes; however, I also decided that I would wait until the month before exams to do so...err...week or something like that. It took me 2 weeks to get through all of my Business Associations reading. That would include reading 75-100 pages a day during Thanksgiving break. Was that last week? I can't remember now.

I started reading my Evidence book Friday night. I got about 40 pages done. Saturday: another 40 pages. Today: I think I'll end up only having read 168 pages. That leaves 181 pages for thursday and the exam is on Friday. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK. I'm such a procrastinator.

At least I have an outline for BA and all the reading is done. Tonight when I get home (which will probably be around 10pm), I'll do a capsule outline. For those not privy to outlines: they cover every fucking topic you've done in the semester. Right now my BA outline is 60 pages. I will cut that down to 5-10 pages tonight. Fabulous.

In other news, I've stopped going to church. I don't know where my faith is at this point, but it's not strong. Additionally, I'm too lazy to go out at 11:30 on Sundays because I usually want to stay in bed and watch the NFL pregame shows. Lately I've been studying as well. Yesterday was a fun day of outlining and football. I really should have studied at night, but I figured 7 hours of studying was good.

I've lost it today. I think 7 hours is all I can handle. Does that make me weak? No......... I know what it is. I'm not on drugs like the rest of the law students!!!! So my ADD is left to my own body. Oh, and I'm still sick. I've been sick since the Friday of Thanksgiving. Woo.

last bit of news: I'm going up to NYC this weekend to see my boy. Don't ask me if I'm dating him; I honestly don't know. All I know is that as soon as I get raped by the evidence exam on Friday, I'm jumping ON a train (not in front of) and going up to NYC. Yes, I do have an exam Monday night (Intellectual Property) BUT........ it's my mother fucking birthday. That's right, this little one is turning 24 on Monday, so let me have my weekend of studying in a nice city.

That is all. Thank you for listening. Back I go to my hearsay exceptions. I wonder what a blog would qualify as? Could I somehow make it a business record exception if I claim that it is routine enough and that my business is making sure not to entertain people but rather to bore them with my insane thoughts. Hmm. Again: law school fucks with my mind. wonderful.

i'm drunk

so. i haven't written in the blog in a while and i thought that now would be a good time b/c it's halloween ngiht and i'm drunk.

i hate halloween. i hate dressing liek a whore. i don't think it's cool. and yet i'm weraing my high school uniform with crotchless pantyhose. that's what jenn says they're called. i convinced amir that i wasn't wearing any underwear and he got kicked out of the bar that i got into for free.

it's nights like these that i remember how much i love carrie. she is the best friend that anybody could ask for. she's a wonderful girl and i think that reid may have been jealous because she and i kept kissing each other and telling each other that we love each other. then again, i pointed out to him that there was a girl in a nurses' outfit that was showing her underwear to the world. oh yes. fuck the giants. fuck them badly because i hate the fact that they shut out the redskins.

that is all. i'm tool azy to check the things i spelled wron.g. yes. i know. i am drunk. that's why the title says so. but hey. i ahven't been drunk since thursday, and i needed to stop being depressed for a whole 3 hours. life sucks and bering drunk is the only way that i can forget about how much i hate my life. although.................... i still thought about matt all night long. and holy shit. michie just scared the shit ouf o tme.

bed. bedddddddddddddddddddddddddd. yes. drunk.

americans

Read this:
Defense Lawyer in Hussein Trial Is Found Dead
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: October 21, 2005
Filed at 9:23 a.m. ET (on CNN)

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- A defense lawyer in Saddam Hussein's mass murder trial has been found dead, his body dumped near a Baghdad mosque with two gunshots to the head, police and a top lawyers union official said Friday.

In other violence, four U.S. service members were killed in two attacks Thursday, the U.S. military said. Three Marines died when a bomb hit their patrol in the village of Nasser wa Salam, 25 miles west of Baghdad, and other American troops clashed with gunmen, killing two insurgents and capturing four, the military said.
An American soldier was killed in the northwestern town of Hit by ''indirect fire,'' a term that usually means a mortar or rocket attack, the military said.
Nineteen Americans have been killed in the past week. The latest deaths brought to 1,992 the number of members of the U.S. military who have died since the beginning of the war in 2003, according to an Associated Press count.

The lawyer, Saadoun Sughaiyer al-Janabi, was abducted from his office Thursday evening, a day after he attended the first session of the trial, acting as the lawyer of one Saddam's seven co-defendants.
___________________________________________________________________

This is one of the reasons that I don't like reading American news. Although I'm sensitive to all the deaths of Americans in the world because of this stupid fight against terrorism that people have forced upon society, it really angers me when I read the news and it's geared towards "oh look, more Americans died". Shouldn't that news be in a separate article?

The whole subject is about the Defense lawyer and there are only 2 sentences devoted to his actual death. Just goes to show you how journalism works. We aren't supposed to give a shit about the guy b/c he was defending Hussein. Instead, let's bring back the focus to the suffering Americans in this article about someone we hate. This is one of the reasons why people can't stand us. We look self-centered when we do stuff like this.

Ok. Just needed to vent. If we're going to focus on an issue, just do it. I don't like this "subversive" inclusion of information. Of course, everyone does it. Nobody speaks the whole truth. Ever. Remember that.

life sucks

So I had this really long post, and when I went to publish it...the browser crashed. Just goes to show you that life really does suck.

Basic points: I still hate law school. I still love the same guy that I've loved since I was probably hmm...18. I'm mad at God for giving me these burdens, and I wish he'd show me a little mercy.

And then I remember: I'm lucky as hell to have someone in my life that I love so much and who loves me just the same. But life still sucks because I won't be able to see him for at least another month. damn it.

life sucks

I try to be optimistic. I really do. I always say that God only gives us the burdens that we can handle, but you know what? I'm angry right now because I don't want this anymore.

Everyone knows that I hate law school and that I've tried so hard to like something about it. There are days when I have less hate, but it's there nonetheless. It's difficult to know that I made a rash decision and came to this hell hole because I thought it was an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. Well, now I know better. It's ok to say no to things. Not every single chance that arises for you to do something is one that you should accept. Maybe if I were less impulsive, I could have avoided some heartache.

So now I'm stuck in this place until I get my required 85 credits. Only this semester and then 31 to go...

To make matters worse, I have to love someone who doesn't live in the same city that I do and that I don't get to see for another month at least. I've loved him for years, and despite everything that we've gone through, the love is still there and strong. It fucking hurts. Both of us alone, both of us loving each other, both of us knowing that there's nothing we can do about the situations we're in.

So here I am, God. Dealing with this pain and wishing it would just end. How about dabbing a little mercy my way and letting me get what I want? Is that so hard?

Seriously. Life sucks. Maybe someday I'll be happy again, but right now it looks like the next couple of years are going to be full of days like this when I want nothing more than to give everything and everyone a big "fuck you," move to North Carolina to my favorite beach, read all day, and bartend at night. Although Matt mentioned the Cayman Islands...which wouldn't be too bad either.

depressed

You do it for the joy it brings
Because you're a joyful girl
Because the world owes me nothing
And we owe each other the world
I do it cause it's the least I can do
I do it cause I learned it from you
I do it just because I want to
Just because I want to

Everything I do is judged
And mostly they get it wrong
Oh well
The bathroom mirror has not budged
And the woman who lives there can tell
The truth from the stuff that they say
And she looks me in the eye
And says... 'Would you prefer it the easy way?
No? Well, okay then ...Don't cry'

I wonder if everything I do I do instead
Of something I want to do more
The question fills my head
I know there's no grand plan here
This is just the way it goes
When everything else seems unclear
I guess at least I know
You do it for the joy it brings
Because you're a joyful girl
Because the world owes me nothing
And we owe each other the world
I do it, it's the least I can do,
I learned it from you
I do it just because I want to
Just because I want to

Dave Matthews and Soulive, doing a cover of Ani DiFranco, who I don't think I've actually ever listened to.

I seem to be missing college a lot lately, and my best friends, and life the way it used to be before I realized that it never gets any better and that the best part is behind me. *sigh*

Friday night:
R: I don't mean to be rude, but I need some boobs and a pretty face over here...
Me: Excuse me?!?!
R: I didn't mean just for me. I just need to get the bartender's attention. Please don't kill me.
Me: Oh, sorry for the look of death. Scoot over so I can lean on the bar...and thanks for the compliment.
R: You see how well that worked?

Tonight:
Me: I'm really tired, so I'm going to take a nap. I really don't think about eating when I'm sleeping, so don't come in and ask me, ok?
Mom: Sounds good. Do you want to eat?

Yeah, it's turned out to be a wonderful weekend. :) Friends Friday and Silly family Saturday...plus I got to see the kids. Tomorrow: football with friends. Life isn't so bad when you take a minute to enjoy it.

Who I am

One of my favorite authors has always been Ayn Rand. This is one of my saved away messages:

The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours. But to win it requires total dedication and a total break with the world of your past, with the doctrine that man is a sacrificial animal who exists for the pleasure of others. Fight for the value of your person. Fight for the virtue of your pride. Fight for the essence, which is man, for his sovereign rational mind. Fight with the radiant certainty and the absolute rectitude of knowing that yours is the morality of life and yours is the battle for any achievement, any value, any grandeur, any goodness, any joy that has ever existed on this earth.

I've read it about 10 times today, no joke, and every time I have to cringe in disgust.

There's no doubt that I believe in the importance of being yourself and that you need to fight for what you believe in, but at the same time, I don't think it means you have to tell the whole world to fuck off. Nobody knows what life is about. People have struggled for years to find the meaning of life. Hell, some people think the answer is 42. (if the reference is lost on you, blame it on not being into sci fi and see Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) It's easy to live a life where you are the only one who is right, where you can figure out what your goals are and how to achieve them, and you live every day in pursuit of that goal. But what of the quality of that life?

I see so many people in law school, working hard every day to get the good grades, best interviews, top journal spots, moot court positions... the list is endless. But are they happy? No, most are not.

Maybe I'm still naive, maybe I'm being a hopeless romantic, but I don't care. The times in my life where I have felt most alive, most productive, creating the most value and meaning to those around me have been those when I'm open, vulnerable, and sharing a part of myself.

It hurts sometimes to be so real and candid, but it's worth it. It happens in so many ways, from going to a coffee shop and talking for hours to laying at the foot of the Washington monument admiring the sunset to spending a lazy Saturday in bed with someone you love. The happiest moments of my life, I've been human and just felt and expressed myself in ways that I didn't even realize I was capable of doing.

Blah. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I'm tired and emotional and wishing that I had one of my best friends at my side right now.

All I know is that the one desire that will never die in me is the need to share myself with another person completely. First it will be the person I marry, but then I will hopefully have the joy of sharing life with my children and showing them the importance of loving and living and understanding that although human reason is a great asset, human emotion is something that is much more powerful and worth living this life for.

And I have to admit...it would have taken me a much longer time to understand this if it hadn't been for Matt and my family. I'm truly blessed to have people who love me for who I am and that I know will never judge me for my flaws because they understand me well enough to see through it all. Very few people see me bare, but for those who do: thank you for letting me truly live.